I inventoried all of the food supplies… plenty of beans, rice, corn meal, sugar, flour, spices, and coffee. There was a quarter side of cured beef. Any fresh meat additions to the menu would be surely provided from the trail. There was a full set of Dutch Oven cookware and utensils to cook the food and simmer really slow over a long period of time to allow the various shifts to come in and get their plate of hot vittles. Fortunately for me there was a small notebook of recipes belonging to Cookie the regular cook who was laid up in the hospital with a bad case of Berry-Berry fever. Oh, and there was a one gallon pickle jar full of a spice-mixture called the Ring-of-Death.
My cooking that first day was a bit creative as my fire was too hot, and part of the Dutch oven lid melted right into the chili. Well there was no one about to see the mistake so I rounded the edge of that lid and told everyone I had taken a shot at a rattlesnake and it caromed off of a rock, hitting the edge of the lid. Anyway, there was a nice steam vent in the Dutch oven which I needed for some of my special recipes including
the chili which would have bounced that eleven-pound lid if it wasn’t for the steam vent. I had used Cookie’s recipe and had to interpret his measurements including: a quarter hand of Salt, an eighth hand of Cumin, and a splash of Ring-of-Death. Unfortunately, I later found out that my hands were four times the size of Cookies and so my pot of “goodness” was going to warm everyone this cold evening. I also had no idea what a “splash” of Ring-of-Death was so I made sure there was plenty so I put two heaping handfuls in for good measure. Is it any wonder that the fire and the spices resulted in the lid melting? During the last twenty minutes in my large bubbling cauldron, I placed my cornbread batter right on top to finish cooking with the chili and absorb some of that good fat to add a bit of flavor.
Well the chili was a real hit with all the cowboys going for seconds and even wiping the large Dutch oven clean with their cornbread. I soon found out why that jar of spice was labeled “Ring-of-Death” as there were many howls as the guys went off trail to do their number two. Being Cowboys they shared bravely it was
worse the more you wiped and even the farts were explosive. But it was the best cure for hemorrhoids ever. Even with all of this I was asked to make sure this chili was served again as I was given my trail handle of Rusty Joe. Oh, and I heard that the cowpokes have developed a magnetizing personality as a magnet will surely stick to their butts. They asked Cookie to take it easy and retire and encouraged me to be the permanent head cook on the trail drives. My only problem is trying to find a suitable spice mix to replace the empty jar of Ring-ofDeath. I did find out that an old rusty horseshoe is just fine to add that special kick.
Robert Lanphar
2011